a wee break

9th September, 2010

We drove through a lot of this beauty full ness,

tackled fireman's poles and giant marbles along the way,

and eventually arrived at an old place we called home for a few days.

Mama had the terrible idea of taking a tour through the old gold mine,

the men climbed a big hill,

the rest of us walked along a quiet stream and watched as the rain fluttered to ground.

Then.

For the first time.

The boys saw snow.

We had great fun with great people,

Learnt the fine art of tobogganing in little snow on a non-slope,

And remembered to stop and smile.

There was love all around.

xo

Walhalla 2010

the miraculous & the mundane

January, 2007

The miraculous and the mundane.

The days I thought I would lose my mind

if I saw the inside of these four walls for one moment longer.

The moments he smiles.

The hours when nothing works

to soothe or comfort & I wonder how I could get it so wrong.

The times his cheek brushes against mine & takes my breath away.

The moments I wonder how I became invisible

to all those who loved me before I was two.

The days when the sunlight spills through the windows

& warms us both on the floor.

When he kicks his legs with glee & stretches his wobbly hand towards me.

We see the faeries dancing in the space between.

Piccys taken Jan '07, thoughts flowed much later.

my hero

12th July, 2010

He climbs tall trees,

vacuums,

holds the baby,

gets his gear off for photos,

and totally rocks my world x

grrr....

13th June, 2010

TEETH!

Two bottom teeth came through within a week of each other when

Jasper was 4.5 months.

Thankful everyday for Baltic Amber.

Not so thankful for two bleeding holes in my nipple :(

Lucky for him he's so cute.

the perfect time

25th February, 2010

As pen never gets to paper I'm using the voice recorder on my phone.

There are some random thoughts recorded late at night.....

i don't want to forget and i'm waiting for the perfect time to write the perfect words and define the memories and the emotion and there is no perfect time. actually every moment is pretty perfect at the moment. but. but i've not made the time to step away and so i need to do it now. i just need to say how precious, precious this wee boy is how he smiled at me when he was two days old, his second day in the world and he smiled at me.

i look at him and he looks at me and i feel like i am alive and i feel like i have come home and i feel no fear. he is feeding and he's happy and god he's on me all day, he is a dream baby and yet i still wear him every day. he doesn't want to sleep without me but i understand it this time. i understand that nine months in nine months out. that's the way it should be. it would be nice to wrap him and leave him in a crib for a couple of hours but its not natural. and we miss each each other and he wants me, his mama and i don't see anything wrong with that. its so different because i couldn't do that with miles there was no question he had to be with his mama and i could probably teach jasper to sleep on his own, he's a lot calmer, he likes sleep, he has a full belly so he is content and with a bit of protest i could possibly teach him to sleep on his own or possibly thats just our experience in the hospital speaking but i dont want to. i want to have him in the wrap while I get around the house I want to hear him breathing and have him squished up with me. i don't want him to feel like he's alone in the world. cos he's not, he doesn't need to be and so he's on me all day. and every now and again that can be overwhelming and it will get more exhausting as he gets heavier but i don't want to change it.

raw

27th May, 2010

I have written the first line to this post countless times.

Each time I hit delete.

My feelings, my fears, are a little too raw.

And yet this is the reality of the moment.

I don't like the change in seasons.

I prefer the destination.

I have poor balance.

And so, on this night, the moon in her fullness calls me to be true and to celebrate myself. All of myself. I fear that I don't know how to 'share myself' between my boys. And my man. I fear that when I talk about the love and pride I feel for one, I consequently dismiss the other. I feel guilty when Milo watches me play with Jasper and I feel guilty when I break Jaspers gaze to respond to Milo. I want to lie in stillness with all of them and know that each is cloaked in my love and I want to run screaming to a place of solitude where my thoughts, my desires and my body is truly my own.

And I want to stay in this moment forever. This crazy, uncertain, maddening time of parenting a four month old and an almost four year old. I wish I could hold onto it for eternity.

These photos were taken on the 20th April. Mid Autumn.

I love the depth of the Seasons.

I like to know where I'm going.

My safety net stretches far.

(unedited pics - embracing the raw)

and this one

17th April, 2010

Two boys asleep in bed at the same time. The first time.

My Sweet P in the studio, again. Working and playing.

I wish he was here to share the quiet and yet I'm glad to have moment truly to myself.

Miles will be 4 years old in two months. Jasper will be 4 months old in two weeks.

The moments are passing so quickly.

The moments are precious.

I love this life with our two boys. I choose happiness. I choose to immerse myself in the light and use the shadows for opportunities for growth. I am rambling, yes. A (very) long time has passed since I have had the joy of stringing words together and I'm a little clumsy in my process.

I wish I had photos to share, but my arms are wrapped firmly around small children these days and there is little room for my other love.

I have words though, stories and snippets. Like this one:

On Easter Morning, a bright yellow playsilk left by the bunny all wrapped up with bulbs inside. Three little eggs are hidden also.

Little M finds the first one "Wow Mama, can I eat this?"

Me "Sure can". His eyes are wide as he pulls the 'skin' off.

He finds another "Wow Mama, another one. I know, you should eat this and then Jasper will have chocolate mooky, wont he. That's a good idea isn't it?"

And he hands me his second sweetie.

And this one

Before he falls to sleep he chats a bit and cleans out questions from the day.

Tonight he had some chat about Jasper's birth.

I asked him "What was your favourite part of the birth?" I expected the birth pool in the lounge, or playing with LeeLee, or the birthday cake, or any number of bodily functions which took his interest on the day. What he replied with a soft, broad smile on his face was "Jasper". Well of course my love.

realisation

27th March, 2010

Yesterday I had a moment.

A moment I would rather of not had.

After 7 months, 2 missed deadlines, inches of dust, windows misplaced, damaged floorboards and a whole lot of patience, I realised in a moment, that we are living a building nightmare.

And that it's likely going to get much worse before it gets better.

Does anybody know a good solicitor dealing with building disputes in Victoria?

Every moment

3rd March, 2010

Every moment.....

treasured

joyous

welcome

real

needs

17th February, 2010

Milo: "Mama, I need you"

Mama: "Do you? I need a pina colada and a catarmaran"

Milo: "I haven't got a caterman. Just a cup of tea. It's for you Mama".

Oh bless you sweet child. A cup of tea is exactly all I need.

Thank you x.

firsts

1st February, 2010

Milo started kindy today.

His initial disinterest quickly faded after meeting his teacher last week. Her impression so great that Jaspers cries in the car were met simply with

"Mama, I think Jasper want's to go back to Johanna" Thank you very much!

A new kindy bag was sewn, his clothes were labelled, nectarines picked fresh from the tree and we were ready.

"I'M A KINDER BOY"

I felt such pride as he settled so quickly into the morning play. I was a little hesitant to say goodbye but not he. A (really) quick hug & kiss was all I was allowed.

As I drove away the past three and a half years flashed before my eyes. It is true that time flies. My wee wee tiny boy was stepping out into the world. Open to ideas, thoughts & beliefs beyond our own. Teachers, peers & other parents will all influence him as he forms his own ideas about the world. I feel slightly nervous.... yes I do. But I am also open, as he forms these ideas, to see where they will lead him. More of his beautiful self will be revealed to us through this expansion of experience.

Am I being dramatic? Perhaps. But it is still officially babymoon so I am allowed to be.

The pride I felt for my boy was mixed with pride for myself as I acknowledged the journey that I've been on since his birth. It feels nice to be able to say "I've done a good job."

And so what does Milo think if his first day in the first day of the Steiner Kindy that Mama helped build......?

"I think it's GOOD"

the first step

28th January, 2010

Today we had a very exciting adventure . . .

our first trip into the real world

the realisation of a long held dream

my boys first step into 'kindy'

To see the many many months of hard work & passion have paid off as families from all across the Mornington Peninsula gathered to meet one another & our new Steiner Kindergarten Teacher.

Joy.

Relief.

and now... exhaustion!

my sun & my gentle moon...

20th January, 2010

"A need to make time in my life for some other things"

Ahem.....

Jasper Moon Ryan

born oh so gently on January 2nd, 2010.

We are all falling, ever so madly, deeply, blissfully in love.

xo