25th February, 2010
As pen never gets to paper I'm using the voice recorder on my phone.
There are some random thoughts recorded late at night.....
i don't want to forget and i'm waiting for the perfect time to write the perfect words and define the memories and the emotion and there is no perfect time. actually every moment is pretty perfect at the moment. but. but i've not made the time to step away and so i need to do it now. i just need to say how precious, precious this wee boy is how he smiled at me when he was two days old, his second day in the world and he smiled at me.
i look at him and he looks at me and i feel like i am alive and i feel like i have come home and i feel no fear. he is feeding and he's happy and god he's on me all day, he is a dream baby and yet i still wear him every day. he doesn't want to sleep without me but i understand it this time. i understand that nine months in nine months out. that's the way it should be. it would be nice to wrap him and leave him in a crib for a couple of hours but its not natural. and we miss each each other and he wants me, his mama and i don't see anything wrong with that. its so different because i couldn't do that with miles there was no question he had to be with his mama and i could probably teach jasper to sleep on his own, he's a lot calmer, he likes sleep, he has a full belly so he is content and with a bit of protest i could possibly teach him to sleep on his own or possibly thats just our experience in the hospital speaking but i dont want to. i want to have him in the wrap while I get around the house I want to hear him breathing and have him squished up with me. i don't want him to feel like he's alone in the world. cos he's not, he doesn't need to be and so he's on me all day. and every now and again that can be overwhelming and it will get more exhausting as he gets heavier but i don't want to change it.