raw

27th May, 2010

I have written the first line to this post countless times.

Each time I hit delete.

My feelings, my fears, are a little too raw.

And yet this is the reality of the moment.

I don't like the change in seasons.

I prefer the destination.

I have poor balance.

And so, on this night, the moon in her fullness calls me to be true and to celebrate myself. All of myself. I fear that I don't know how to 'share myself' between my boys. And my man. I fear that when I talk about the love and pride I feel for one, I consequently dismiss the other. I feel guilty when Milo watches me play with Jasper and I feel guilty when I break Jaspers gaze to respond to Milo. I want to lie in stillness with all of them and know that each is cloaked in my love and I want to run screaming to a place of solitude where my thoughts, my desires and my body is truly my own.

And I want to stay in this moment forever. This crazy, uncertain, maddening time of parenting a four month old and an almost four year old. I wish I could hold onto it for eternity.

These photos were taken on the 20th April. Mid Autumn.

I love the depth of the Seasons.

I like to know where I'm going.

My safety net stretches far.

(unedited pics - embracing the raw)

and this one

17th April, 2010

Two boys asleep in bed at the same time. The first time.

My Sweet P in the studio, again. Working and playing.

I wish he was here to share the quiet and yet I'm glad to have moment truly to myself.

Miles will be 4 years old in two months. Jasper will be 4 months old in two weeks.

The moments are passing so quickly.

The moments are precious.

I love this life with our two boys. I choose happiness. I choose to immerse myself in the light and use the shadows for opportunities for growth. I am rambling, yes. A (very) long time has passed since I have had the joy of stringing words together and I'm a little clumsy in my process.

I wish I had photos to share, but my arms are wrapped firmly around small children these days and there is little room for my other love.

I have words though, stories and snippets. Like this one:

On Easter Morning, a bright yellow playsilk left by the bunny all wrapped up with bulbs inside. Three little eggs are hidden also.

Little M finds the first one "Wow Mama, can I eat this?"

Me "Sure can". His eyes are wide as he pulls the 'skin' off.

He finds another "Wow Mama, another one. I know, you should eat this and then Jasper will have chocolate mooky, wont he. That's a good idea isn't it?"

And he hands me his second sweetie.

And this one

Before he falls to sleep he chats a bit and cleans out questions from the day.

Tonight he had some chat about Jasper's birth.

I asked him "What was your favourite part of the birth?" I expected the birth pool in the lounge, or playing with LeeLee, or the birthday cake, or any number of bodily functions which took his interest on the day. What he replied with a soft, broad smile on his face was "Jasper". Well of course my love.

realisation

27th March, 2010

Yesterday I had a moment.

A moment I would rather of not had.

After 7 months, 2 missed deadlines, inches of dust, windows misplaced, damaged floorboards and a whole lot of patience, I realised in a moment, that we are living a building nightmare.

And that it's likely going to get much worse before it gets better.

Does anybody know a good solicitor dealing with building disputes in Victoria?

Every moment

3rd March, 2010

Every moment.....

treasured

joyous

welcome

real

needs

17th February, 2010

Milo: "Mama, I need you"

Mama: "Do you? I need a pina colada and a catarmaran"

Milo: "I haven't got a caterman. Just a cup of tea. It's for you Mama".

Oh bless you sweet child. A cup of tea is exactly all I need.

Thank you x.

firsts

1st February, 2010

Milo started kindy today.

His initial disinterest quickly faded after meeting his teacher last week. Her impression so great that Jaspers cries in the car were met simply with

"Mama, I think Jasper want's to go back to Johanna" Thank you very much!

A new kindy bag was sewn, his clothes were labelled, nectarines picked fresh from the tree and we were ready.

"I'M A KINDER BOY"

I felt such pride as he settled so quickly into the morning play. I was a little hesitant to say goodbye but not he. A (really) quick hug & kiss was all I was allowed.

As I drove away the past three and a half years flashed before my eyes. It is true that time flies. My wee wee tiny boy was stepping out into the world. Open to ideas, thoughts & beliefs beyond our own. Teachers, peers & other parents will all influence him as he forms his own ideas about the world. I feel slightly nervous.... yes I do. But I am also open, as he forms these ideas, to see where they will lead him. More of his beautiful self will be revealed to us through this expansion of experience.

Am I being dramatic? Perhaps. But it is still officially babymoon so I am allowed to be.

The pride I felt for my boy was mixed with pride for myself as I acknowledged the journey that I've been on since his birth. It feels nice to be able to say "I've done a good job."

And so what does Milo think if his first day in the first day of the Steiner Kindy that Mama helped build......?

"I think it's GOOD"

the first step

28th January, 2010

Today we had a very exciting adventure . . .

our first trip into the real world

the realisation of a long held dream

my boys first step into 'kindy'

To see the many many months of hard work & passion have paid off as families from all across the Mornington Peninsula gathered to meet one another & our new Steiner Kindergarten Teacher.

Joy.

Relief.

and now... exhaustion!

my sun & my gentle moon...

20th January, 2010

"A need to make time in my life for some other things"

Ahem.....

Jasper Moon Ryan

born oh so gently on January 2nd, 2010.

We are all falling, ever so madly, deeply, blissfully in love.

xo

a different view

15th April, 2009

I've been taking some time out from this space. Some forced & some chosen.

A need to make time in my life for some other things. 

I feel like I need to gather supplies for the Winter & withdraw into my cozy abode.

I equally like the new space & miss this old space.

Again my challenge is all about learning the art of balance.

And also allowing myself to let go every now & again.

To check the view out from a different angle.

Needle Felted Dolls

Having a week of terrible brain fade.

Could anybody please remind me who the gorgeous Australian blogger is who makes those divine needle felted nature dolls. 

I recall an apple maiden, a spring faery... if you know please leave me a comment with her name. 

Thanks ever so much.

x Jules